Journal entry 13-29 Dec’21
If I ever
had to write something titled “the day that changed my life”, I would know exactly
what to write now.
It had only
been 2 weeks and my whole life became different after that.
13 dec was
the day that I went to take my X-ray after I was feeling breathless for the
last 3 weeks when I went jogging or spoke a lot. I would cough at times but it
was only after doing something strenuous. I felt that it was weird. Before that,
I felt tired and also had swelling of lymph nodes. I could not figure out what
was wrong with me and felt frustrated. I missed my health and the number of
things that I could do. I prided myself for being fast and efficient and felt
that I had reached a stage of self-actualization during this period. This year,
I was promoted, received a gold in healthcare award. Ko was the star of the
term and Imm did well in his studies. During this time, I also felt wary as
things were so good in my life. At the same time, I thanked God for the
blessings and for the achievements we had in the year.
The Xray
report came with the remarks – suspected of lung cancer. I was scared at the
polyclinic and called Pau. “the doctor advised that I had to do a CT scan
immediately”. I went home and called several clinics to get a CT scan done. My first
thought that day as tears welled up in my eyes, “please help me to live, God” “I
am so glad it did not happen to anyone around me and I know why you chose me, you
know that I can fight this.” In the beginning, I grieved over the loss of
visibility of a future in which I find fulfillment in my work and self
improvement – toastmasters but I soon casted that aside as I thought to myself,
I only have one life and I want to be there for my family and children.
The following
after was a PET scan, followed by a biopsy. The diagnosis was lung cancer with
a malignant tumour of 8 cm. I had to wait for the biopsy report. Even on the
day when the doctor had to reveal the results to us, I wasn’t scared, until she
told me that it was rare. It was when I realized that I was uncertain if I could
fight this, “what if there is no treatment plan?” That day I spent 2 hours
crying and talking to friends, during this time, Ko came to me and said that God
sent her a message “mummy has been working too hard and needs to rest”. It hit
me hard as I realized that maybe the toll of stressing myself and pushing
myself day after day had caused this. Or it was God sending me a message and
telling me that there are other things worth more in life. I have always
depended on my own efforts mostly but prayed for strength but now, all I could
do is to pray in desperation as it was something I am now unable to do on my
own.
The days
were bearable when I met up with friends or went out with the kids but the
nights were painful and long when I would either not get to sleep or be awoken by
thoughts of my young children without a mother. Or not doing the things that
Pau and I planned to do after retirement – going for a cruise around the world.
I cried constantly on my own and teared when I did activities with the children,
wondering if it would be the last time I was going to do this with them. It was
so painful. On one night, I was tossing and turning in bed, feeling extremely
scared, these words came to me, “the Lord is close to the broken hearted”, I
kept repeating these words to myself and sought comfort in them.
I talked to
several people. A friend asked me if I had any goals left, I said no, I did
everything I wanted to do in my life, counseling - wanting to serve and help
others; toastmasters – dying to my fears in communicating publicly, knowing how
powerful I can be if I can communicate well. I spent time with the family and lived
intentionally as best as I could. From now on, I only wanted to be there for my
family, support my husband and be there for my children by seeing them grow up
well. All these only became crystal clear at the possibility of a nearer death
than imagine. Several times I would also cry in my heart and bargained with
God, “I am only in my 30s, please heal me so I can continue doing good for the
family and serve others” “there is so much I still want to do, please heal me”-
as best as I could, I keep repeating these thoughts, hoping that it would sip
into the cancerous areas and I will be healed miraculously. I was grieving so
much in my own head and I realized one day that I should not be doing that as
all the thoughts would eat me up and it would achieve nothing. I focused my
energy and motivation that I want to support my husband by teaching children
life skills as much as I could – by teaching them how to pack their stuff as
school is starting, and teaching them to trust God and keep praying.
2 weeks on,
we still have no idea of what the cells are. I hope and pray that this is God using
time to work a miracle in me. I pray we would find strength in this marathon
and others be inspired in our story, no matter what the outcome be.
