The Day that Changed my Life

 Journal entry 13-29 Dec’21

If I ever had to write something titled “the day that changed my life”, I would know exactly what to write now.

It had only been 2 weeks and my whole life became different after that.

13 dec was the day that I went to take my X-ray after I was feeling breathless for the last 3 weeks when I went jogging or spoke a lot. I would cough at times but it was only after doing something strenuous. I felt that it was weird. Before that, I felt tired and also had swelling of lymph nodes. I could not figure out what was wrong with me and felt frustrated. I missed my health and the number of things that I could do. I prided myself for being fast and efficient and felt that I had reached a stage of self-actualization during this period. This year, I was promoted, received a gold in healthcare award. Ko was the star of the term and Imm did well in his studies. During this time, I also felt wary as things were so good in my life. At the same time, I thanked God for the blessings and for the achievements we had in the year.

The Xray report came with the remarks – suspected of lung cancer. I was scared at the polyclinic and called Pau. “the doctor advised that I had to do a CT scan immediately”. I went home and called several clinics to get a CT scan done. My first thought that day as tears welled up in my eyes, “please help me to live, God” “I am so glad it did not happen to anyone around me and I know why you chose me, you know that I can fight this.” In the beginning, I grieved over the loss of visibility of a future in which I find fulfillment in my work and self improvement – toastmasters but I soon casted that aside as I thought to myself, I only have one life and I want to be there for my family and children.

The following after was a PET scan, followed by a biopsy. The diagnosis was lung cancer with a malignant tumour of 8 cm. I had to wait for the biopsy report. Even on the day when the doctor had to reveal the results to us, I wasn’t scared, until she told me that it was rare. It was when I realized that I was uncertain if I could fight this, “what if there is no treatment plan?” That day I spent 2 hours crying and talking to friends, during this time, Ko came to me and said that God sent her a message “mummy has been working too hard and needs to rest”. It hit me hard as I realized that maybe the toll of stressing myself and pushing myself day after day had caused this. Or it was God sending me a message and telling me that there are other things worth more in life. I have always depended on my own efforts mostly but prayed for strength but now, all I could do is to pray in desperation as it was something I am now unable to do on my own.

The days were bearable when I met up with friends or went out with the kids but the nights were painful and long when I would either not get to sleep or be awoken by thoughts of my young children without a mother. Or not doing the things that Pau and I planned to do after retirement – going for a cruise around the world. I cried constantly on my own and teared when I did activities with the children, wondering if it would be the last time I was going to do this with them. It was so painful. On one night, I was tossing and turning in bed, feeling extremely scared, these words came to me, “the Lord is close to the broken hearted”, I kept repeating these words to myself and sought comfort in them.

I talked to several people. A friend asked me if I had any goals left, I said no, I did everything I wanted to do in my life, counseling - wanting to serve and help others; toastmasters – dying to my fears in communicating publicly, knowing how powerful I can be if I can communicate well. I spent time with the family and lived intentionally as best as I could. From now on, I only wanted to be there for my family, support my husband and be there for my children by seeing them grow up well. All these only became crystal clear at the possibility of a nearer death than imagine. Several times I would also cry in my heart and bargained with God, “I am only in my 30s, please heal me so I can continue doing good for the family and serve others” “there is so much I still want to do, please heal me”- as best as I could, I keep repeating these thoughts, hoping that it would sip into the cancerous areas and I will be healed miraculously. I was grieving so much in my own head and I realized one day that I should not be doing that as all the thoughts would eat me up and it would achieve nothing. I focused my energy and motivation that I want to support my husband by teaching children life skills as much as I could – by teaching them how to pack their stuff as school is starting, and teaching them to trust God and keep praying.

2 weeks on, we still have no idea of what the cells are. I hope and pray that this is God using time to work a miracle in me. I pray we would find strength in this marathon and others be inspired in our story, no matter what the outcome be.

 

 

Robbery in the hse

Dear Bloggie,

Something happened to me last Thurs that left me feeling quite terrorized. My house was broken into. I did not realise I would feel so scared. Lost almost 1 kg over the weekend. Gosh, when before that, I was trying quite hard to lose already. It was also a gd thing that I did not keep valuables in the master bedroom.

The fear is that someone can actually enter the hse. Makes it seem so unsafe although the person jus want the money. I think I am scared that someone will jus burst through the door one day when I am bathing or watching tv. What are the chances that ur house will actually be broken into?

I am still trying to convince myself to be brave... yup to psycho myself. I can do it. If there is any intruder I will master up my anger to punch the person. I will take precautions to protect myself.

Anyway I also feel sad.. because we have always been nice ppl, even when we had picked up $80 last time, we donated the money to church.. the thought that someone was out to hurt us, sometimes jus makes one feel quite lousy, like what is the point of doing gd things right? ya those were the thoughts that came to me..

And also, we tried pretty hard to scrimp and save normally.. even pau seemed to have changed.. ask me continue take my facial package.. save so hard for what right.. maybe I should jus try applying for mo_.. also doing gd things ma.. even ppl want to steal from a swker.. :( who can't even seem to make ends meet in s'pore.. sianz

Mommified

Hi Bloggie,

I have been settling well into the routine of being a mummy.. haha.. getting better at deciphering imm's moods and wants through his whimpers and odd sounds. I have also been cooking more these days! cos I figured I would need to.. sometimes I am really sian of eating outside food.. next time have to cook for kids and hubby.. so might as well use the time to start now:) hee.. but I am kinda lazy still. So far the dishes I have been trying out are french beans, caixin, fish, pork.. all successful! they are more edible than before and I feel a sense of achievement!

I have also been racking my brains over how to have more income in future.. gee, want to have enough and also be able to spend time with kids leh.. hm dunno how the make up sessions will turn out. Have been quite stressed over it. I keep telling myself that as long as I try my best, I will have no regrets! yet, also have the fear of ppls's remarks dampening my confidence. I am glad still to have many opportunities that I can do this, in a way, I always think that if there are opportunities surrounding an event, it meant that God is telling me to go for it!! Similarly, during the time when I was pushing Imm out, I feel that I can do it instead of going for emergency c-sect because the signs were telling me it it possible. So this is how I get on with life with this kind of mentality. Being pushed by events, hehe..

We jus celebrated Bee's bday. It was really kinda weird, going back to old times as though nothing has changed.. hee.. I am also happy in a way. I remembered feeling a sense of loss when she did not join us for grp outings or activities anymore. Hope it stays that way. It feels like on shaky ground sometimes - the friendship; as I dunno when she will get offended abt something I said.. Hmm let's see..

Happy that I am going out later with Di! Now I must try to group all the things that I want to do together.. haha.. cos I can no longer go out at my whim and fancy..

Anyway this is a peaceful time for me, shall treasure it while it lasts:)

Hi bloggie,

Have been a full time housewife for the second week now after confinement. I am feeling bored but also happy to be spending time with Im. His schedule is still quite erratic, like now, he is sleeping when so far over the last one week, he is usually awake.

Still trying to be occupied and try to do as many things as I can.. but have to do things around his schedule. I have been practising my make up and hair as well over the afternoons. I hope I can do my fren's wedding well.

Motherhood

Hi Bloggie!

Enjoying my afternoon drinking coffee and blogging here during my confinement. Imm is beside me now, sleeping as usual. Time seemed to hit a standstill after I delivered Imm last Tues evening. Everything is like so surreal. The outside world seemed so far away from me now. No worldly cares either. The only thing is about feeding baby, pumping milk, eating similar kinds of confinement food, bathing in herbal water, watching tv etc. Ya... sometimes the brain feels kind of empty.

Trying to cope with my new role as a mother. It's kind of fun and fulfilling in a way but tiring at times when I have to wake up in the middle of the night to feed the baby. I realised that breastfeeding is really an art man.. hee.. ya but I think I am learning well, after consulting with experienced friends. I think that nature is so amazing, you will produce milk according to ur bb needs.

So far so gd, I am waiting to regain my freedom soon. Frankly speaking, I cannot stand this confinement nonsense. haha.. but again, I can't tahan the nagging from parents and relatives if never follow:(

Hi bloggie!

One more month or less than that! I am looking forward to the birth of Im Im.. it's weird, yesterday, I was watching this dvd abt experience of first time parents and just after seeing one story, I just started to cry, cos I found it so touching, the mother cried and cried after giving birth and I just cried along with her. Haha.. found it quite funny now:) The miracle of birth is just so amazing to me!

I am trying to accomplish as much as I can also.. doing what I want before I get tied down.. my leave starts in 2 weeks time.. so I hope Im wun come out earlier than that.. hehe..

Ok I promise I am going to work hard today.. Have been a bit frustrated by this case lately and couldn't sleep well last night but I told myself that I am going to try my best and that's it, no point getting frustrated.. I told myself that all these little things are part of "training" myself to be a better person so I will try to be optimistic, image a better future.. yup!

Waiting

Hi bloggie,

Oops, haven't been updating as much as I want to... I am starting to feel tired and sleepy in the morning at times. Need the time to start my engine.

I think I need more purposeful goals for myself… but for now my mind is just focused on my maternity leave. And perhaps I am also feeling more tired than usual.Being tired makes me not want to walk more to the wards also as I am trying to cut down on walking. Which is so unlike me cos I hate to be deskbound.The highlights these days are feeling the tummy bump that is moving most of the time, feeling the hands and the legs of baby.. and being reminded that I am not alone.. =) L

Anyway I looked through the photo album that I made for Pau and I, looks nice to reminisce through the old memories and read the little comments for each photo. I want to do that more J I think I like series of “little projects” to motivate myself and make life more interesting. If not, it is going to be so boring. So I am starting on Im’s scrapbook soon!

I also started to wash Im’s clothes. Got more clothes from Jerrell’s mum. Hee, happy happy! J I am starting to feel more excited but I think the real excitement won’t set in until I have started on my leave. It is going to be much nearer to the due date! I saw a few pics of newborn recently and conclude that they are not cute, only after 1/2 days when they look "cleaner", hee.

Anyway I am also excited abt the make up project, doing bridal make up for Ratna! Yea, will be doing it with Cheryl. What makes me a bit apprehensive is doing the hairstyles, I am trying to practise more and image. What I learnt in Shichida which I like is imaging! :)